Shoes

A pair of shoes should not cost $200. Ever.

I hear that snark is the new black.

If everybody's so excited about May Day, why don't I see May poles and streamers everywhere, with people dancing around them? Yeah, that's what I thought.

I'd rather not have to say, "waiter, I'd like the Rooty-tooty-fruity-fruity waffle doodles, please" when I just want some waffles and fruit. Just list your food on your menus and be done with it. We don't need to sound like tools when we're giving our orders.

Thank you, mailman, for taking my nice masters degree in its shiny priority mail flat rate envelope and ramming it into my mailbox, such that the whole thing is bent and warped. Really appreciate that.

When I'm flying down the street in my SUV, do you really want to test me by stepping off the sidewalk before you get the "walk" sign? I don't think you do.

If you don't have anything nice to say, start a blog called "The Snarky Pessimist" and post it.

Tom Lehrer singing "We Will All Go Together When We Go"

I wouldn't have wanted to be the cutest cat in the pet store when Erwin Schrödinger walked in.

I always feel sorry for the guy in the chicken suit dancing around to advertise the new sandwich shop. But then I remember the "Now Hiring" sign in the window of the Walgreens down the street, and I don't feel sorry any more.

To the woman in front of me in the check-out line today: the 80s called- they want their hair back. And their clothes. And sunglasses. In fact, they request that you just build a time machine and send yourself back to them because you're disrupting the space-time continuum.

Oh yes, scientists who think it's a good idea to bring back extinct species, like in Jurassic Park. That can only work out well, as we've seen with the dinosaurs.

"No, now go away before I taunt you a second time-uh!" - Monty Python and the Holy Grail

You can dress as skanky as you want- just don't look so proud of yourself.

Q, I'm gonna say what Captain Picard should have said to you every time you opened your mouth: SHUT THE ^%^&$ UP.

Who thought it was a brilliant idea to have the Today show start off a broadcast last week by juxtaposing the following two stories: North Korea is threatening the world and Lindsay Lohan was on Letterman? Oh yes- EQUALLY important, Today show. Nice work.

Thank you, Aunt Meg, for taking me to all those museums when I was younger. And thank you, Uncle David, for always giving us crap about it.

If Pluto can be dissed and dismissed, who's to say what's next? Where does it end? Will NASA decide one day that Neptune is an M&M? Or Saturn is a tangerine doing the hula hoop? Seriously, people.

If you call me "skinny-skinny," then what does that make you? Exactly.

I once had a science teacher who would curiously happen to be absent on the days we took tests- the tests covering material that he never taught us. Even though I understandably failed all those tests, I somehow received a B for the class. And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why I never learned physics.